I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
