What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
