It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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