She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize