i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize