i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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