piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
