I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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