Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Less talking, more tequila
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
