White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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