At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
