only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
