You're my little dorito
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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