someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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