It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
no you cant smoke seaweed
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
