May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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