I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
