Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
