Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
