There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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