Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
