so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
