i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I wish they made helmets for livers.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
