i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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