He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
