Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
