I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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