I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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