what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
