Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I didn't notice because vodka
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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