found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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