I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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