We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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