I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
she peed on how many people?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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