FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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