My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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