I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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