after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
