Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Need sex. Gaining weight.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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