Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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