He asked me if I "almost moaned"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
