It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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