I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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