i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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