I puked a lego.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I touched a dick in church today
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
