Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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