So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Found the puke drawer
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
