Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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