I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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