Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
