my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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