I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Randomize
