Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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