I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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