The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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