Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
