her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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