You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
