When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
