i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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