Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
