i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize
