I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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