my phone needs a breathalizer
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize