I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
